If you read this, and you know who you are, know that you are still my heart, but I can't let you hurt me anymore. If you were to want me again, I would be yours in a heartbeat. But I'm not waiting or putting my life on hold anymore. You want me, you know how to find me. Otherwise, I hope you have a good life... And for my own benefit I need to say, I believed in you more than any other person ever, and I always tried to help you be a better person. Just know that when love seems to have abaondened you, you are the one who in fact abandoned love.

Everytime I get like this, this song gets stuck in my head. I love this song.

I want this thing cut out of me
The thing that makes me incapable of caring about anyone else
This black beating organ inside my chest

No not really

I want yours to beat for me again
To quicken at the thought of my voice
To skip at the site of my image

The way mine does with you

Take my heart
It belongs to you
I have no use for it anymore

New landscapes


( here )

come lay beside me

while i try to sleep
I promise I'll be good
I just want to feel
you close to me tonight

I probably won't rest
just lie awake and stare
at you while your chest
moves up and down with breath

if my eyelids fall closed
do not be alarmed cause
I see you as I doze
in my dreams you're always there

come lay beside me

in my bed that is pleasant
under blankets that are warm
and inside is the present
of contented sleep for us both

if you drift away
I will protect you all night
until the break of day
pushes it's way through the curtains

let's sleep together in bed
one comfy, cozy, and ours
we're rest out weary heads
upon one another

Come lay beside me

I promise I'll be good
I only want to watch you sleeping
from now till forever should
be just about enough time

Come lay beside me

Ok this vid sux, but this song is awesome. I never thought I would say this about an American Idol contestant, but Daughtry rox



( lyrics )

I am here
In this place I call hell
I have to fake that i am alright
The entire time I am here
I can't look sad or be quiet
I have to laugh and be polite no matter what
I hate it here
If I am ever sent to a hell dimension it will look exactly like Laurinburg

Happy memories of times with him are imprinted on every inch of this area
I hate pretending to laugh
I start to feel psycho after awhile
I hate trying to smile and be upbeat when all I want is to scream
These people ruined my life
They took away part of my family from me
And they expect me to be glad and sacrifice a bird with them

Breaking bread with the enemy
The ones who made me the miserable sop I am today
I'm not blaming all the problems in my life on these people
Just the one that matters
They took my love away from me
Now I am empty and hollow
One more day of pretending to be alright
Then I can stay away for another two months... at least

I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
I am going to be ok
right?

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Thanks to user for the link

So for about a week, now I have been stalked or terrorized as the case may be, by these psychos, they pull up in my yard, drive by yelling and screaming, walk around my house at night... Last night they attempted to desimate my truck. Something scared them off, not sure if it was me coming outside to paint or what. So I found their stuff, and I'm 95% sure I know who it is... Doesn't really bother me all that much, what bothers me is that my cat is missing. Now it could be completely unrelated. We had a tornado on Wednesday and she wasn't here when we got home. SO she might have been scared off by that... But If these guys hurt her, I will find them and make their lives hell. Sounds like such an idle threat I know, Hopefully she'll show up so that it is an idle threat.

I'm not focused, I'm out of it... all the time. I couldn't even tell you what I did today. I know i went to work. I know the computer acted funny for a few minutes. I know I watched the graduation episodes of Buffy and the new one of House. Thats about all I can remember. My abs are sore... It took almost an hour before I remembered that I had dance yesterday. I don't know who was in class and who wasn't and I'm pretty sure I forgot to turn in attendence again. I was doing so much better with the teaching thing. I was doing really well. Next week is thanksgiving, not looking forward to it. Baby's birthday is coming up. I don't have any money, that sucks. Do I invite the child of my now estranged best friend, who took the path of so many others and left me when i needed her the most? I should be doing something important. I just don't know what it is. I need some Jack, Jack makes it all better. One of the things HE has no hand in. This is all me and Chris.

I can't move on, so I find ways around thinking about him. it will work eventually right? I put thoughts about him down, in a book or here and get them out of my head. I feel like I'm telling someone wo thay go away.

I don't want to have the dreams, the happy dreams where I am with him and everything is great, so I don't sleep, or at least I stay up till i am so exhausted I don't dream.

I don't go anywhere I might see his face, he's all over the net, much like me, so i stay away from all his sites.

I don't listen to any music that makes me think of him

I don't wear clothes that make me think of him

I don't watch movies that make me think of him

I stay busy all the time, work, dance, graphics, art, painting, etc.

With all these precautions you'd think I'd be a lot better by now, but one little slip up, hearing a piece of a song, seeing a hidden object. Adn everything slips and i have to start all over again.

What would I wish for if a genie gave me a wish? I dont' really know, him, less pain, death at times, (not right now though) the entire Buffy collection on DVD? There's no telling right now.

So do I delete every song on my computer that reminds me of him? If I do i will be deleting a lot of good music, that I (hopefully) will be able to listen to again one day.

It's becoming a dream, someting that never happened in real life. I didn't want that to happen. Maybe that's why I held on so long. I know how my mind works and soon I will secodn guess if his eyes reaaly were as beautiful as I thought they were. I already second guess everything he ever said and everything we ever did... But that's more of a "was any of it real to him" kinda thing. Soon it's gonna be was any of it real... at all?
Are our memories real? Are things that happened in the past real? If it's not happeneding in the moment does it really have any importance. The sedond the moment is past, doesn't it cease to exist? So those six months, the ones in which i say I was happier than I have ever been... Did they ever happen? Did they happen cause I say they happened or because more than one person say they happened. And what if two people remember the same incident differently? Does that invalidate the memory? Can we change our mempries? make them up to make our situation better? Does it really matter, it's something that has completely passed us by and no longer exists except in my head... and if my head chooses to believe that it happened differently, doesn't that in fact mean that it did happen differently?

To be completely in the moment, no thought of future, what's the point, it doesn't exist anyway, no memories of the past, You refine yourself minute by minute. There aren't any experiences to hold you back, no moral or ethical delima's to deal with. How could there be, they're all in the past and the past can be rewritten as easily as saying, I left him. And it suddenly becomes true. Does it make me feel better? No not really. The memories that I do have, they are painful on good days... like today, the pain is bearable, but on bad days the memories remind me that they are living breathing entities inside my head, heart and body.
We create our own realities, but our memories create us.

So my question is, if our memories make us, what happens to us when we loose our memories?

this is Jeanette, my newest model.



( more )
Doesn't she look like cameron Diaz a little?

I live my life like there's a movie camera on me. I do odd things that people would usually do to impress someone, when I'm alone. It doesn't feel fake or anything, I just realize that when I'm sitting outside playing guitar at night looking at the moon, I'm being holly-go-lightly, or when I paint barefoot in the middle of the night, I'm being freida kahlo (she didnt necesarrily do that, it's just how I percieve it) when I dance in my kitchen while cooking dinner, I'm being ... I'm being me at all these times, but in my head, I'm always being watched. I have NO idea who it is I think is watching me, but there is always a presence about. maybe everyone thinks like this. Not paranoia, everyones out to get me.. I have that too, more like, I'm almost constantly entertaining someone.

Went to a magic show today, got called up on stage. I've never been picked out of the audience before. Weird. Have a photo shoot tomorrow... well I guess it's today now. One of my models bailed and now I don't have time to replace him, so I have to change the entire feel of the shoot. Had a pompous ass call me up and tell me he could do the shoot if we worked around his schedule... Fuuuuuuuuuck u. I hate dealing with REAL models. they suck ass so bad.... well most of the time. I prefer working with amatuers. everything is so much more real.And I reall don't like to work for money, I prefer to work in trade... I know that's weird and I'll never make a living that way. but I feel so much better about my art when there isn't money involved.

Everything in my life has this odd aire about it. I can't figure it out, maybe it's just lack of sleep... But Yahoo!! No work tomorrow, sleep late till the shoot. I wish i was a full time photographer. But then I'd get sick of it. My art manager keeps getting my hopes up that i will one day be able to do art full time, without that annoying teaching part. People really need to stop getting my hopes up dammit. You'd think I would have lost the idealistic notions and any small chance of hope... But no, I'm like pandora's box, full of evil, immoral, unethical things, but always a little hope down at the bottom.

Oh... Bought Buffy season 4 the other day... nuh-uh, it's season 3 in the season 4 box. So I'm gonna watch all the season 3 episaodes then take it back and complain... maybe I'll never get around to it.

Got the computer lab guy on my side, yeah... Hope I don't have to sleep with him, didn't really do it for me, if you know what I mean. I think he's gonna hook me up though so I can be doing some graphics earlier than next year. Sent off the prospectus for my new classes, but found out my Oh so amazong and wonderful principal that I love to death is retiring. Don't mean to sound so self-centered.... But why is that always happened to me? As soon as I get a job where I really likte the principal, they retire and the next guy is always an ass. That's what I have to look forward to. So I really hope my principal now can get my program started before he leaves.

House is clean (kinda) think I may have a mouse, not sure, babysitter coming tomorrow. This will be there first babysitter that wasn't family or almost family. Im sure they will be fine. I however will have a heartattack the entire time I am gone.

Met a cool chick last night, for hanging out and partying and stuff, maybe. That's about all the news I can think of.